Spoiler alert!

12/7/2019

Here I am, at the Institute of Oncology at 6.30 in the morning, waiting. I don’t really know how all this happened and how I ended up here. I am waiting for surgery where they will remove my retarded lymph node, which is suspect. I still hope that the person diagnosing the punction sample made a mistake, but my mind is not occupied by that. I don’t really feel nervous or scared. I… nothing, just want to get this surgery done so I can go home in the evening.

Simon is accompanying me to the hospital and as I am taken to my room, we meet his cousin, who is a nurse at the institute. She is taken by surprise as what are we doing there but gets the picture quite fast. And I am very happy to have her there. It makes me feel safer although I don’t really know her all that well. She helps me get ready, brings me my stuff to change into and explains the further plan for today.

After Simon leaves for work I lay in the bed and wait for my turn in the surgery room. My roomies are not my age and I can hardly understand anything they are saying. They don’t look extremely healthy and it is (very selfish) making me uncomfortable. As I am dressed in a hospital pyjama and put into hospital bed, I tend to feel sick and I hate that. All I am trying to think in my head is that I am a completely healthy individual, which accidentally ended up in dotty hospital pyjamas. A terrible mistake, which I will gladly forgive, after they do the surgery and find out I am healthy and I can go back to my normal life.

I wake up from anaesthesia somewhere around 1PM in a “wake-up room”. I have no idea what happened, and I am in no pain. I do feel a bit dizzy and a bit sleepy, somehow remotely familiar to my crazy student party nights. All of the sudden, I realize that I am crying. I woke up to crying my eyes out, completely unable to stop that from happening. I think that a nurse brought me some tissues, which I didn’t really wanted to use since I felt that that is not eco-friendly, and I might as well use my hands and blanket to wipe away the tears.

Nurses didn’t really care about me for about an hour. Then one of them came up to me and asked me how I am feeling. I answered (no idea what) and she was obviously satisfied with the answer, because I was then taken back to the department. But before I left, I was somehow surprised by nurse’s statement that I finally said something that actually made sense and that she could understand. Like… “What? I speak completely clear and distinct, don’t know what your problem is missy”. Apparently after waking up after anaesthesia, your mind and your body are not completely connected right away.

I spend the afternoon trying to get normal, sober and “not” stoned by the drugs I have been given, so I could go home the same day. Me leaving the hospital today should probably be up for a discussion (because I was feeling quite weird still), but I have some acting skills and by accident the doctor came by just when I was stuffing my face with Bolognese, a.k.a. diner, as I was hungry as hell. He was probably (and completely rightly so) assuming that a girl with such appetite is definitely ready to go home.

13-17/7/2019

Nothing really happened. I was being increasingly nervous because I hate waiting. I was trying to face the fact that I have cancer while at the same time still clinging to the hope of not having it. Trying to rationalise the situation by telling myself that no positive nor negative thinking will change the results. What is done is done.

And of course, I was trying to offer emotional support to my friends and family who were far more worried than I was.

18/7/2019

“Good day, nurse something here. Am I speaking to Ana?”

“Yes, please.”

“The results from the biopsy are finished. Please come in on 23^rd of July around 10AM.”

“Sure! What are the results?”

“Sorry, I am not allowed to tell you that.”

Gee, thanks for the help. Advise to all the nurses that must do this ridiculous job of telling there are results and not saying what they are- lie. Just say that results will be done by 23^rd of July and that I should get there on that day. Will be easier for everyone.