tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210114686400031142024-03-13T17:07:58.431-07:00AncipediaAncipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-7263978564108892482020-06-17T04:04:00.002-07:002020-06-17T04:04:38.957-07:00Kaj mi nihče ni povedal o obdobju po zdravljenju<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Mineva 5 mesecev po koncu mojega zdravljenja. Spet imam lase, obrvi in trepalnice. Moji nohti se ne cepijo več. Prestala sem tudi prvi kontrolni pregled, kjer je bilo vse tako, kot sem si želela. Kljub temu pa se je v tem času nabralo nekaj misli in občutkov, ki jih nisem pričakovala. To je moje razmišljanje, v tem trenutku. Čez nekaj časa se bo spremenilo, tega sem se v zadnjem letu naučila. Prav tako to niso občutki vseh ljudi, ki so kdaj zaključili z zdravljenjem. Čeprav si predstavljam, da vseeno nisem tak special little snowflake in se najbrž lahko še kdo drug najde v mojih občutkih.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Med zdravljenjem nisem kaj dosti razmišljala o tem, kaj se bo zgodilo, ko bo terapij konec. Ko sem razmišljala o obdobju po zdravljenju, je bilo vse bolj ali manj samo en velik blur, za katerega nisem imela prav zares energije. Po koncu zdravljenja bo pa vse drugače. Ja no, not really.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Prva sprememba, za katero sem sicer vedela in jo pričakovala, je bila, da ni bilo več zdravnikov. Onkologinjo sem zadnjič videla januarja in "baj, se vidimo maja". Po mesecih rednih obiskov in tega, da ti nekdo vsak teden ali dva pojasni kaj se dogaja in če so tvoji stranski učinki normalen del zdravljenja, si prepuščen samemu sebi in svoji (ne)sposobnosti razlaganja izvidov in stranskih učinkov, ki se pojavijo po koncu zdravljenja. Manjka mi prisotnost nekoga, ki ve kaj se dogaja z mano iz medicinskega pogleda. Mislim da imam toliko pomislekov in vprašanj, da bi lahko šla z mojo onkologinjo vsak teden na kavo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Moji stranski učinki so sicer zelo blagi, če jim sploh lahko tako rečemo. I am very lucky. Fizično vsak dan zmorem več, na kar sem res ponosna. Vendar pa se po zdravljenju spremeni marsikaj. Čutim vsak še tako majhen in nepomemben občutek v svojem telesu. Na prstu na nogi, glavi, srcu, trebuhu, wherever. Čutim vse, in to res močno. Pa to sploh niso bolečine (again, lucy me). Preden sem zbolela, sem najbrž te občutke podzavestno pospravila, ker mi niso bili pomembni. Sedaj pa je včasih prav naporno, ko se tako intenzivno zavedam svojega telesa. Čutim vsako najmanjšo spremembo, prepoznam lahko dvig pulza za le nekaj utripov/minuto.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Življenje po zdravljenju ne pride z navodili za uporabo. Čeprav bi bilo zame res koristno, da bi. Nihče ti natančno ne pove, kaj smeš in kaj ne. Vse je "kakor se počutite". Jaz se "počutim okej", ampak sem se tudi "počutila okej", pa se je izkazalo, da sem imela raka, tako da ne morem ravno računat na to, da je moj "okej" ravno okej. So much okej. </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Fizično se počutim boljše kot med zdravljenjem, tudi moji krvni izvidi so po več kot letu in pol ponovno normalni (I had a big happy tears cry about that). </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Proces ugotavljanja kaj, kdaj, kako in koliko zmorem, pa je zame naporen. Sploh, ker ga moraš ves čas nastavljati tudi na to, da napreduješ, ker se tvoje telo regenerira. Počivaj, ampak ne počivaj preveč. Bodi aktiven, ampak ne preveč. Lahko to, ampak ne preveč. Kaj je preveč, pa nihče ne pove.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Na koncu pa imam še svojega favorita- "Jaz ne vem kaj naj". To je najverjetneje bolj intenziven občutek za tiste, ki nas je diagnoza ujela nekje na pola puta. Nekje med faksom in službo, nekje med biotehnologijo, znanostjo in ekonomijo, nekje med odraslim in skoraj odraslim. Včasih imam občutek, da sem se zataknila v tem "nešto između", pa ne znam ne naprej, ne nazaj. </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">V času zdravljenja sem sicer našla nove izzive in področja ki me zanimajo. Kar pa ne pomeni, da kaj lažje izbiram svojo nadaljnjo pot. To, da bo s časom prišlo nekaj pomislekov o tem, če je moja pot prava, sem pričakovala. Vendar pa me je razsežnost tega kar presenetila.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Če povzamem, rabim knjigo "How to post-cancer for dummies".</span></div>
Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-4216910315516201302020-04-03T10:12:00.000-07:002020-04-03T10:14:55.516-07:00Sam doma<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Hej živjo! Kako kaj doma?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Dobrodošli v mojem svetu med zdravljenjem. Tako, približno. Jaz sem skakala in bežala stran, ko ste vi kihali in kašljali že jeseni in pozimi. Se jezila na starše, ki ne cepijo svojih otrok, in zaradi tega lahko ogrožajo mene. Na kavo noter nisem šla že woooohoooo časa. Ne rečem da sploh nisem šla na kavo, ampak je bil moj requirement da sedimo zunaj, mize so čim bolj narazen, če piha- še boljše. Zaloga mask in razkužil mi rešuje rit še danes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ker sem zaradi znanih razlogov iz samo-izolacije (karantene/social distancing ali kakorkoli že to imenujete), v zadnjih mesecih nabrala kar veliko izkušenj, z vami delim kakšen nasvet, namig ali pa zgolj nekaj besed, v katerih se morda nekdo najde. Or not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Recimo temu, da smo bili vsi žrtve zelo intenzivnega in na trenutke paničnega začetka obdobja izolacije. Jaz pred meseci zaradi diagnoze, vi pa zato, ker se vam je podrl sistem življenja. V bistvu, če pomisliš, nekaj podobnega. Noben ni ravno planiral tega. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Moja prva reakcija je bila "Okej. Zdaj imam pa res čas in bom naredila vse stvari, ki sem jih morda prelagala že več časa.". Haha... Nope. Na začetku so mi misli uhajale povsod drugam kot pa k stvarem, ki sem si jih tako zelo optimistično zastavila. Kaj bo, kako bo, zakaj, kdaj, kam... Kup racionalnih in zraven tudi povsem neracionalnih strahov mi je delal družbo več tednov. Bila sem slabe volje, živčna, nezainteresirana in utrujena. Kar naenkrat toliko stvari ni bilo več odvisnih od mene, od tega kako se potrudim, koliko delam. Izgubila sem kontrolo nad svojim življenjem, kot sem je bila vajena. Kot človek z veliko potrebo po notranjem nadzoru, je bilo priznanje in sprejetje tega zame ena izmed težjih stvari. Do te ugotovitve sem seveda prišla šele čez par mesecev. Tako da evo, bližnjica za vas.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Trenutno lahko naredimo veliko že s tem, da ostanemo doma. In dejmo bit face, pa ostat doma. Nič ne boli, da si doma. Vsaj realno te ne. Nihče ne trdi da je prijetno, ampak bo minilo. Pa umivaj si roke. Hvala. Sej ni tko težko.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Bili so dnevi, ko sem pojedla zdrav zajtrk, sčistila kopalnico, napisala nekaj za magistrsko, skuhala kosilo, telovadila, pospravila cunje in v glavnem bila naravnost čudovita gospodinja in zraven še študentka in še zaposlena. Teh dni res ni bilo veliko. Res. Mogoče za eno roko. Veliko več je bilo dni, ko sem uspela prvič kaj pojesti ob 11-ih. Pa dni, ko sem do takrat ko je Simon prišel iz službe imela že 2 počitka pod kapo. Ogromno je bilo dni, ki sem jih prečepela na kavču z Youtube videi, ker se mi je zdelo še 50 minut za en del serije preveč obvezujočih. Pa tukaj ne govorim o dnevih, ko sem se fizično počutila tako slabo, da sem bila itak čevap v postelji. Vsi imamo take in drugačne dneve. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ko si kar naenkrat ves čas doma, se moraš na to navaditi. Fino je, če razumeš, da ne rabiš odkrit gravitacije, samo zato ker je pandemija. Da ni treba, da narediš več, kot bi v službi. Da lahko delaš stvari bolj počasi. Da lahko pospraviš celo stanovanje, hišo, klet, lopo ipd., lahko pa pač gledaš serije (svaka čast za tak commitment!). Da je čisto dovolj, če uspeš poskrbet za svoje fiziološke potrebe in preguraš čez dan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ampak da ne boste ves čas samo čevapirali, imam jaz en sneaky sneak namig, ki je zame (na trenutke) deloval. Hrana. Načeloma vsi jemo vsak dan. Jaz še ne vem kaj bi se mi moralo zgoditi, da ne bi jedla cel dan. Torej. Ker smo doma, moramo jesti kar si sami skuhamo (to je bolj ali manj res, če hočeš way out, ga itak lahko vedno najdeš). In to sem jaz počela. Vsaj skuhala sem. Ni treba bit ravno vrhunski kuhar, da uspeš vrečt skupaj makarone/riž in nekaj. Zame je kuhanje res oblika sprostitve, obenem se umirim, pa še kosilo imam. Double kill. Če hočete triple kill pa je najboljša taktika kakšen neoluščen riž. Ker itak tako dolgo traja da se skuha, da se splača vmes še pomit posodo od včeraj. Ali pa pač od zajtrka, če ste vestni in snažni ljudje.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ko sem bila sama doma, sem veliko časa preživela v svoji glavi. Res sem imela veliko časa da si napletem vse možne scenarije, alternative, raznorazna mnenja, nasvete itn. Za tematiko raka je najbrž zdajle na voljo približno ista količina informacij, kot za tole korono. Več kot sem prebrala, slabše je bilo. Ljudje, ki ne smejo imeti mnenj o znanstvenih in strokovnih tematikah, ga imajo. Svoboda govora vse lepo in prav, ampak ne. Ko je mene strah, sem dovzetna za vse vrste traparij, ki jih raznoliki posamezniki objavljajo širom svetovnega spleta. Pa res verjamem, da nisem edina. Kar naenkrat več ne veš kaj je prav in kaj narobe, kako se vse to poravna s tvojimi vrednotami in tvojim znanjem. Kot nekdo, ki ima en naravoslovni faks, na poti pa še enega, gre tole res težko iz tipk... Ampak za vaše dobro: "Ignorance is a bliss.". Včasih je pač bolj pametno ne vedet. Kar ne veš, ne boli. To ne paše čist čist, ampak close enough. Itak je oblast pokazala zmožnost, da nam napiše sms, če je res treba. Osebno poskušam spremljati samo uradne informacije, pa še te moram dat čez moj filter pravilnosti uporabe statističnih metod in relevantnosti predstavljenih podatkov. Ker včasih me boli glava in srce, ko prebiram nebuloze. Sem pa zvesta spremljevalka Good News Movement- priporočam! Teh novic pa ni nikoli preveč!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">V tem času ne pozabite na soljudi. Meni je bilo med zdravljenjem včasih dolgčas, ker so imeli ljudje vedno toliko dela. Zdaj nas je večina veliko bolj prostih. Pokličite družino, prijatelje, sorodnike, sodelavce,... Nekoga. Če vam bolj ustrezajo kanali družabnih omrežij, tudi to deluje. Ko smo fizično izolirani, je včasih še lažje najti bližino. Jaz priporočam da se igrate namizne igre. Zame je to odklop in zabava, pa še druženje z ljudmi, ki ne živijo z mano. Res, probajte!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Na koncu bi rekla še to: "Ne bo trajalo večno.". Vsaj pandemija ne. Bo življenje po izolaciji drugače? Bo. Ampak v tem trenutku ne vemo kako, ne glede na to, kako pametujemo. Optimizem pa vseeno šteje!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek/videos/207908423802231/?v=207908423802231">https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek/videos/207908423802231/?v=207908423802231</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ostanite doma in bodite zdravi.</span></div>
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Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-68721233053350397282020-01-06T12:43:00.000-08:002020-01-06T12:43:53.109-08:00Kako pa to deluje<br />
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Preden sem začela
z zdravljenjem je bila ena izmed največjih neznank, kako izgleda kemoterapija.
Kaj to sploh je? Kako izgleda…? Ali boli?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">V prvi vrsti
moram povedati, da ima vsak bolnik z rakom svojo vrsto terapije, glede na vrsto
raka, in da moja najverjetneje ni enaka drugim. Vsak ima svojo izkušnjo, jaz
zgolj delim mojo.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Kemoterapije sem
imela na 14 dni, vmes je bil čas za počitek. Prve kemoterapije sem dobila
naravnost v žilo, preko infuzije, kasneje pa sem dobila lasten priključek –
PICC kateter, zaradi katerega je bilo vse skupaj veliko lažje in manj boleče.
Dan kemoterapije se je po navadi začel okoli sedme ure zjutraj na Onkološkem
inštitutu v Ljubljani, kjer sem se prifočkala v sprejemni pisarni, ter nadaljevala
s postanki- najprej oddaš kri, da preverijo, če je dovolj dobra in si sploh
pripravljen na naslednjo kemoterapijo. Pregledajo predvsem imunski sistem, da
nisi bošček brez imunskega sistema. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Kri lahko daš v laboratoriju,
kjer ti jo vzamejo, enako kot drugje, iz žile. Kri pa lahko oddaš tudi v Mali
ambulanti (stavba kjer je ambulantna kemoterapija), kjer ti lahko vzamejo kri
iz katetra. Če imaš PICC (ali VAP) priporočam malo ambulanto, ker žile, po nekaj rundah kemoterapije, dobijo
neko posebno fobijo pred iglami. Jaz jih komaj prepričam da se pokažejo v
zdravstvenem domu, ko hodim na kontrolo krvi med kemoterapijami, zato jim
poskušam prišparat vsaj kakšno luknjo. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Nato grem na
prevez PICC katetra, kar jaz opravljam kar na onkološkem inštitutu. Tukaj moram
dati res veliko pohvalo za vse zaposlene na kirurškem oddelku, za vso
potrpežljivost in prijaznost, ter poskuse izboljšav pri mojih flajštrih za
kateter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Ko imam previt
kateter, je včasih čas še za eno kavico. Preden sem imela PICC kateter, sem imela
dovolj časa za kratek zajtrk in kavico v bližnjem Rog-u. Potem ko sem dobila
PICC, pa sva se s Simonom morala zadovoljiti z zadnjo »dobro-se-počutim kavo« v
avli Inštituta. Dala sm kri, prevezala kateter in končno nekaj pojedla. Sicer mislim
da ne rabim priti tešča na odvzem krvi, ampak je prezgodaj da bi že pojedla
zajtrk doma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Da naravnam ure –
zdaj je približno okoli devetih. Počasi odcapljava v prvo nadstropje proti
mojemu oddelku. Vedno grem po stopnicah, čeprav grem zadnje čase že malo težje,
ter sem do vrha že zadihana. Jaz se počutim bolj močno, ko mi to uspe. Taka
mala tolažba, da nisem še za v koš. Ponavadi tam počakam na svojo onkologijo. Včasih
v tem času uspeš pozdraviti in pokramljati z kakšnim znanim obrazom, ali pa se
samo nasmehneš punci, ki je tam več kot očitno prvič. Držim pesti! Nikjer ni »srečno«,
tako iskren pozdrav kot med ljudmi na Onkološkem. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Po nič do nekaj
ur čakanja dočakam svojo onkologinjo, s katero se pogovorim kako je bilo v
zadnjem ciklu, o stranskih učinkih, kakšna je moja kri… Postavim ji vsa mogoča,
smiselna in manj smiselna vprašanja, kot so npr.:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Imam črno
piko na prstu na nogi,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Nohti
se mi cepijo?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Imam
visok pulz<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Zakaj
imam lase?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Tiščanje
v prsnici?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Zakaj
moram imeti menstruacijo?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Lahko
jem pršut?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="SL">Lahko
grem na kuhančka?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="SL">-<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--></span><span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Lahko
jem biftek?</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Če razmišljaš o
poklicu onkologa, verjamem, da boš ob takšnih vprašanjih ponovno premislil/a.
To je le nekaj izbranih vprašanj, izmed vseh, ki so mi v času zdravljenja padla
na pamet, ter se je z njimi morala spoprijeti moja onkologinja. Svaka čast za
potrpežljivost.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Po kliničnem
pregledu dobim velik papir s seznamom zdravil za mojo kemoterapijo in zdravil
za lajšanje stranskih učinkov le-te. S tem se odpravim na ambulantno
kemoterapijo, kjer prejmem svojo tokratno dozo. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="SL"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Temu delu
kemo-dneva jaz pravim železniška postaja. Kajti prvič, ko sem prišla sem bila
zares pretresena nad številom ljudi in hitrosti menjavanja pacientov na »posteljah«.
Po navadi moram čakati na vrsto eno do dve uri. Potem pa mi medicinske sestre
dodelijo »posteljo« ali stol, v kateri prebijem nadaljnje dve do tri in pol
ure. Od česa je odvisno trajanje kemoterapije mi še vedno ni jasno, ker vsakič
dobim isto kemoterapijo, čas pa je vsakič drugačen. Mistery. Ko zaključim z
kemoterapijami, grem na wc, ker mi je zelo neudobno hoditi tja z mojim stojalom
Alvinom, in ponavadi probam čimprej priti domov. Na začetku zdravljenja sem
bila po kemoterapiji še zelo živahna, sedaj, proti koncu zdravljenja, pa sem po
kemoterapiji že zelo bleda, ter takoj ko pridem domov naredim post-kemo spanec,
v upanju, da čimprej mine.</span></span></div>
Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-5925559043113404282019-11-21T08:48:00.000-08:002019-11-21T08:48:10.968-08:00The day I "lost" my hair<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">For most cancer
patients, especially women, this is one of the hardest things they have to deal with regarding side effects of cancer treatment. The health insurance in Slovenia
does offer a certain amount of money for patient’s wigs, I think it is around
80€. It is a very nice help, since I noticed that a lot of people feel very
uncomfortable wearing only beanies or scarfs. But for me it wasn’t like that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">What I
did regarding my hair?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-rOgkfbggYbEHTDTlMg9vZ8raD7jcJ8vgbQC8e_wnKgqgfUawlsY3VifV0MEyGXeZOv3lY3LFdWW-bK9aA6sPv-pSLel46KIpM9BlBkyJYuujjMkgZkw8KgZM8R8HjzfqMAu-Tptq/s1600/20190823_145819.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-rOgkfbggYbEHTDTlMg9vZ8raD7jcJ8vgbQC8e_wnKgqgfUawlsY3VifV0MEyGXeZOv3lY3LFdWW-bK9aA6sPv-pSLel46KIpM9BlBkyJYuujjMkgZkw8KgZM8R8HjzfqMAu-Tptq/s320/20190823_145819.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">The day I got my
diagnosis, my oncologist also told me that I will be losing my hair very soon after
I start with my chemotherapies. I didn’t really feel sad because I am really
not that emotionally attached to the way my hair looks. For most of my life I
had quite short hair. I do have very thick hair and at the time I was growing
them longer, to be able to make a nice hairstyle for my wedding. Ha ha, not
happening.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">First thing I
did was to buy a shaver off of Amazon, because we didn’t have any at home. Then
I was waiting for my hair to start falling out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">By the way, the hair
loss doesn’t happen because you have cancer but because of the cytostatics, the drugs you get during chemotherapy. The cytostatics attack the rapidly
dividing cells, which are mainly cancer cells. But it does not target cancer cells
specifically, so all cells in the body which are rapidly dividing are affected. And
the cells in our hair roots are one of the most rapidly dividing cells in our
body - hence the hair loss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">So, it was Friday
at the end of August, after my first chemo. It was hot and I had long hair.
That Friday I started to feel that my hair is just not that strongly attached
to my head anymore. When I was running my fingers through my hair, every time I
pulled a good amount of hair out. So, I decided that that is it and my hair had
to go. I didn’t want to have ten lonely hairs hanging out of my head and look desperate
and even more sick than I actually am or feel. And I secretly wanted to shave my hair
from the beginning of my treatment anyway. I found it really fun. It was my
unfulfilled wish from my crazier teenage years and this time, my parents couldn't really be angry with me. I was so happy to shave my head, you cannot imagine
the excitement I felt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">I waited for
Simon to come home to help me with the shaving. And so, the shaving begun.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_3TTSnv86VoJpJbDLec69pfhlLUdxn77QIA5lxReas30-FHSUDW720JUaF11TBf2TUhLZfYeTxiMs97ZtxbYgudrqUMdYH2I6bG5jo4QvygvdOt0Y_YcqBDAkYF6fxwjEvowc6GG5/s1600/Capture.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="929" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_3TTSnv86VoJpJbDLec69pfhlLUdxn77QIA5lxReas30-FHSUDW720JUaF11TBf2TUhLZfYeTxiMs97ZtxbYgudrqUMdYH2I6bG5jo4QvygvdOt0Y_YcqBDAkYF6fxwjEvowc6GG5/s320/Capture.PNG" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">First, I just cut off my ponytail, to make things easier. So far so good.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj452TrCrny8XiB7jg0cgdlc5UdNXlRmE0V2Bwmmrbg8ZnLxiImUWAMleELbRWqK2yyQ3cxrIo9I-5A0tKV4rJ8jVEp0zAKSq9qh7sFM3hY28dje3TLnmp-R_HmNKfr9dOA6iLjJMDp/s1600/20190823_175834.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj452TrCrny8XiB7jg0cgdlc5UdNXlRmE0V2Bwmmrbg8ZnLxiImUWAMleELbRWqK2yyQ3cxrIo9I-5A0tKV4rJ8jVEp0zAKSq9qh7sFM3hY28dje3TLnmp-R_HmNKfr9dOA6iLjJMDp/s320/20190823_175834.jpg" width="240" /></a><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Secondly, I cut
my hair a bit more because it was still quite long.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Then I went in
with my new shaver. And here is when the things went south. As I mentioned, I
have very thick hair. And do not let the Hollywood movies trick you- shavers
are not that strong! I learned that the hard way. I was always imagining how I
will be shaving my hair and the hair will be falling on my bathroom floor and I
will shed a tear and you know… Movie style. Well, that didn’t happen.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">My poor shaver could not handle the amount of hair on my head. I tried and the shaver tried, and Simon tried, but we all failed. So, there I was on Friday night, looking very flattering with my hairstyle made with regular scissors. Pictures are attached for your entertainment. I am aware of how flattering they make me look.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjgIxKlCvxr6Wp5mtoCLlPOKy3IgF-TdBvUxVkN9EqRgqa3ekpnxDTL1H666nJ4Pl6mZyRBGw29z43kdGJiTlOBR63JKISUBIdUCT_U-qNuhVzzXrBr-UIADhlMSQY2dhbvQsi7WQ/s1600/20190823_181707.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjgIxKlCvxr6Wp5mtoCLlPOKy3IgF-TdBvUxVkN9EqRgqa3ekpnxDTL1H666nJ4Pl6mZyRBGw29z43kdGJiTlOBR63JKISUBIdUCT_U-qNuhVzzXrBr-UIADhlMSQY2dhbvQsi7WQ/s320/20190823_181707.jpg" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfte5ozIKo5d_4e7QuWZhqTunJm5OjspvLuZI9VjW_1wMbJjKabxlfCOlSaPpsEzamGFGehvC3MJY_lUYl9fKH-Y96UnDrFERN5PShnxepoH4KWneLJ-00nuS1YD0g1WrZa0yX5mbn/s1600/20190823_181728.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfte5ozIKo5d_4e7QuWZhqTunJm5OjspvLuZI9VjW_1wMbJjKabxlfCOlSaPpsEzamGFGehvC3MJY_lUYl9fKH-Y96UnDrFERN5PShnxepoH4KWneLJ-00nuS1YD0g1WrZa0yX5mbn/s320/20190823_181728.jpg" width="240" /></a><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Because this
hairstyle was a bit embarrassing even for me, I had to go to hairdresser. Simon
called the one near us and explained the situation, while I was giggly admiring
the art work I made with my hair. The hairdresser miraculously had time to squeeze
me in and in half an hour I was sitting in the hair salon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">The hairdresser made
me a coffee and shaved my hair as it should be done. I think that she was
expecting a bit of crying from my end. Didn’t happen. I found my hair shaving
process very entertaining. The hairdresser complemented the shape of my head
because apparently that is a fear of people in my types of situations. But she
was really sweet and kind and I got my hair-no hair treatment for free.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>Epilogue</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">For a few weeks
I was shaving my head every week or so, because my hair kept growing back. And
then I gave up on shaving. I still have hair! They might be a bit thinning, but
I can still easily pull the “I have short hair” hairstyle and not look sick. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes I am contemplating
if I rushed into shaving my head because I was so excited. But I tell myself
that if I would keep them long, they would fallen out even more.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>Present</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">It is winter and I am cold, my head is freezing most of the time. I just spent too much on indoor
beanies. And I have newly found respect for my bold friends.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-62437028966684304462019-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:002019-09-21T09:30:09.162-07:00A basket of eggs<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I am sitting in the waiting
room with Simon and shortly after receive the results from my doctor number
1. She is young, very understanding and patient, however she informs me of my
diagnosis as if I already knew what I have. It is true that the results are not
really a surprise. Hodgkin's lymphoma and something something something. I do shed a few tears while wondering why I am even crying, as this is really not unexpected,
and I already kind of got to terms with having cancer. The doctor explains how she would proceed,
and we arrange for my egg cells to be frozen before starting treatment. She schedules the appointment in
the gynecology clinic for tomorrow morning.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">It's the next morning
and we arrive to the gynecology clinic. First, we meet with a gynecologist who
explains what is going to happen and what our options even are. We need to decide
between freezing my egg cells or freezing our embryos. To all honesty, I didn't
do much research. I was mentally and emotionally tired at this point and
didn't have the strength to read scientific, or any kind of articles about the differences, pros
and cons of both options. The doctor recommended the egg cells, so we decided
to do that.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">After the explanation
of the following procedure, which I was about to start, I found myself signing the papers
for the in vitro fertilization and getting instructions on how to properly use manual injections to take my medicine.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I did all the
stabbing myself and handled two to three injections per day to get my eggs big
enough to be taken out and preserved for an uncertain future.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">It was the beginning
of August and I felt pretty awful about the fact that this whole thing was
getting in the way of me going on my first proper vacation. So important,
right? Ever since I was told by my doctors that a road trip in the middle of August is
not really the best idea I ever had, I still wanted to go for SOMETHING. Simon
was already working the entire year and did not really have a real holiday, and
now I was ruining it all. And may I remind you, at this point, I still
feel completely normal. Nothing really hurts, I can do everything that I want,
I can work, ladada.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Because the treatment
was about to begin, and because it was supposed to be intense, we decided to take the last Ana-can-go-wherever
weekend off and we went on a trip to Italy. I only felt comfortable going so far away that I could still get to hospital in Slovenia, if anything would go
sideways. I packed my stash of injections and asked our hotel if they have a
fridge, to put my injections in, and then we were good to go.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">We went to the beach.
Our beach story: paid way too much money for 9th row on a beach that was, funny
enough, called "Austrian beach". You probably get the picture of the
wild, natural and not crowded beach. Oh, and I could not even swim!</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Spend the two days
like that, working on hatching my eggs and relaxing, then headed home.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I had a few ultrasound procedures during the next days. The gynecologist was checking if my eggs are hatched
(btw, I know I don't hatch eggs, it's just what I called this process to make
it more fun) and ready to be frozen. She was always dictating some numbers to
the nurse; usually around ten and up. At first, I didn't know what those
numbers are... But then I asked. She was describing the size of my egg cells.
"Hmm, yeah sure you do. But what units are you talking about?". She
said millimeters. And I was confused as where are all this numbers would be located inside of me. Surprised and confused.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I think it was day 10 after starting this hormonal therapy, that I was ready to get my egg cells
frozen. The procedure was kinda funny to me.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I got to the hospital
in the morning and got directed to change into nothing but the giant hospital
gown. It was the kind of gown that is probably used for giving actual birth, since it
was ginormous on me, and I am not really a skinny person. It made me a bit sad,
since I knew that this gown is not gonna be worn by me for its real purpose for
quite some time, if ever. To continue, there was me in a pregnant-person gown.
Thereafter I was directed to wait in the waiting room. I must admit I felt quite
weird, sitting in nothing but the gown with Simon in the waiting room. This waiting
room was like... a real waiting room. At the beginning of my gynecology-clinic
treatment, this waiting room was shown to me as "you can wait here while we
deal with other patients" room.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">After that, Simon had
to go to work and I stayed in this waiting room until being picked up by a nurse. She
instructed me to go to the toilet and then come to the surgery room. Did you
ever walk into your own surgery by yourself? It is the funniest feeling,
especially because I was completely stoned in a few minutes. I got this very
amusing thing - analgesia, which is insensibility to pain without loss of consciousness.
I did my fair share of surgeries in my life, but I could not understand what
the nurses and doctors were describing before I actually felt this.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I think I didn't walk
out of the surgery room on my own, or I just don't remember it.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">After that I was told
that we got a nice basket of my eggs and the procedure was successful. In a
few hours, my sister picked me up from the hospital and that was basically it.
I was in and out in five to six hours.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">***</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I do view this in
vitro fertilization process as a very nice support, one less thing I have to
(or more, "can") worry about during this mess. And at the end of the day,
if I ever have kids from these eggs, it will be like I had them when I was 26
;)</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Now... back to
the start of my real treatment.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span>Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-48674750649017119622019-09-05T05:44:00.004-07:002019-09-05T05:44:50.459-07:00Spoiler alert!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">12/7/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Here I am, at
the Institute of Oncology at 6.30 in the morning, waiting. I don’t really know
how all this happened and how I ended up here. I am waiting for surgery where
they will remove my retarded lymph node, which is suspect. I still hope that
the person diagnosing the punction sample made a mistake, but my mind is not
occupied by that. I don’t really feel nervous or scared. I… nothing, just want
to get this surgery done so I can go home in the evening.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Simon is
accompanying me to the hospital and as I am taken to my room, we meet his
cousin, who is a nurse at the institute. She is taken by surprise as what are
we doing there but gets the picture quite fast. And I am very happy to have her
there. It makes me feel safer although I don’t really know her all that well.
She helps me get ready, brings me my stuff to change into and explains the
further plan for today. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">After Simon
leaves for work I lay in the bed and wait for my turn in the surgery room. My
roomies are not my age and I can hardly understand anything they are saying.
They don’t look extremely healthy and it is (very selfish) making me
uncomfortable. As I am dressed in a hospital pyjama and put into hospital bed,
I tend to feel sick and I hate that. All I am trying to think in my head is
that I am a completely healthy individual, which accidentally ended up in dotty
hospital pyjamas. A terrible mistake, which I will gladly forgive, after they
do the surgery and find out I am healthy and I can go back to my normal life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">I wake up from anaesthesia
somewhere around 1PM in a “wake-up room”. I have no idea what happened, and I
am in no pain. I do feel a bit dizzy and a bit sleepy, somehow remotely
familiar to my crazy student party nights. All of the sudden, I realize that I
am crying. I woke up to crying my eyes out, completely unable to stop that from
happening. I think that a nurse brought me some tissues, which I didn’t really
wanted to use since I felt that that is not eco-friendly, and I might as well
use my hands and blanket to wipe away the tears.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Nurses didn’t
really care about me for about an hour. Then one of them came up to me and
asked me how I am feeling. I answered (no idea what) and she was obviously
satisfied with the answer, because I was then taken back to the department. But
before I left, I was somehow surprised by nurse’s statement that I finally said
something that actually made sense and that she could understand. Like… “What?
I speak completely clear and distinct, don’t know what your problem is missy”.
Apparently after waking up after anaesthesia, your mind and your body are not
completely connected right away. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">I spend the
afternoon trying to get normal, sober and “not” stoned by the drugs I have been
given, so I could go home the same day. Me leaving the hospital today should
probably be up for a discussion (because I was feeling quite weird still), but
I have some acting skills and by accident the doctor came by just when I
was stuffing my face with Bolognese, a.k.a. diner, as I was hungry as hell. He
was probably (and completely rightly so) assuming that a girl with such
appetite is definitely ready to go home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 107%;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">13-17/7/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Nothing really
happened. I was being increasingly nervous because I hate waiting. I was trying
to face the fact that I have cancer while at the same time still clinging to
the hope of not having it. Trying to rationalise the situation by telling
myself that no positive nor negative thinking will change the results. What is
done is done. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">And of course, I
was trying to offer emotional support to my friends and family who were far
more worried than I was.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 107%;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">18/7/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">“Good day, nurse
something here. Am I speaking to Ana?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">“Yes, please.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">“The results
from the biopsy are finished. Please come in on 23<sup>rd</sup> of July around
10AM.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">“Sure! What are
the results?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">“Sorry, I am not
allowed to tell you that.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Gee, thanks for
the help. Advise to all the nurses that must do this ridiculous job of telling
there are results and not saying what they are- lie. Just say that results will
be done by 23<sup>rd</sup> of July and that I should get there on that day.
Will be easier for everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-521011468640003114.post-86782264583129718792019-08-28T10:46:00.000-07:002019-08-28T10:46:32.226-07:00The begining<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">26/6/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">It's something
to 9AM and I am sitting in the waiting room. Not really feeling nervous for the
ultrasound that I am about to get done, but more annoyed by the time that this
appointment is taking from my working day. I must be in a meeting at 10.30. I
need about 5 minutes to get to my car, which I got just two days ago (solely
for the purpose of taking me from home to work, because public transport is
just awful). GoogleMaps tells me that I will need 13 minutes to get to my
meeting. That makes, let’s say… 20 minutes of travel time. So, I need to leave
this hospital at 10.10 at last, even better before that, so I can find a
parking spot in peace. In the waiting room I see two more women that will
probably go in before me. Based on my observations, average time of a check-up
is about 15 to 20 minutes. Going over the calculation in my head, I should
still be able to make it to my meeting on time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Going in with my
head already a hour ahead in the meeting, I say “hello” to the doctor. He is
honestly surprised by my so called “bad manners” for not greeting him properly.
His weird over-reaction to my “hello” gets me out of the job-thinking and puts
me and my mind into the clinic. He checks my breasts, and everything seems
fine. Now is the time for me to mention the little lump that I found last week,
just above my collarbone. It doesn’t seem dangerous because it doesn’t hurt, I
can even move it around a bit, so it is kinda fun to me. But you know, just in
case…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Doctor checks
the extra thingy that I have, and he doesn’t look to happy about it. He decides
to puncture it to further diagnose what is going on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">I am quite
confused, but still thinking that it might be just a weird reaction of my lymph
nodes to the mononucleosis that I was getting over in the beginning of this
year. A body can react weird to something and everything could still be okay.
But I realized that I was set to spend the day at the hospital, so I had to
cancel my meeting and everything else that I planned to do on this day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">My day continued
with some blood-taking, lung x-ray, doctor meetings, more blood-taking and a
lot of waiting in between. My blood tests came back weird, showing that I was
quite sick. I was even more confused. The x-ray showed that I have pneumonia. I
went along with this diagnosis, making me quite happy and satisfied since it
can also explain my lump in the lymph node, with the inflammation and stuff.
For the time, I am not thinking of any other options. I mean… pneumonia- not
great, not terrible.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">I finish my day
at the infection clinic, where they still work on my pneumonia and bad blood
results, yet they don’t really find anything interesting.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">On the top of
this amazing day, I now feel that I have to tell my parents about the
inconvenience that is happening. I didn’t want to mention breast ultrasound
because I didn’t want to upset them without need. Now it might be the time to
do so. They are definitely not happy when I share the news and I can hear the
worry in their voices. I can certainly understand them, but I try not to think
of the worst possible outcomes of this situation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">All in all, this
is the day that I came in healthy and got out with pneumonia and cancer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 107%;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">28/6/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">I go to work
although I am advised not to, because of the suspected pneumonia. I still don’t
feel sick or something relating to sickness, so after a day off I decided that
I am capable of working and go to work. I also kinda have to be there since my
boss is going on vacation and we need to make me a plan of work for the
following days. At this time, I am working at this company for exactly one
month. I really enjoy working and I am looking forward to what I will be doing
on my own for the next two weeks. It is my first serious job. Although I work
as a student for now, I have a good feeling that they would hire me, and I
could continue with what I do. It is really a great first job and I am very
happy and excited. I hope I can prove myself in the next two weeks so that they
see that I am able to work on my own as well.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Work goes
according to plan, but I do start to feel a bit tired at the end of the working
day. I might be finally getting sick? Probably.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">In the evening,
me and Simon meet with our friends to whom we need to hand out one of the last
wedding invitations. It’s Friday night and guys are quite in a good mood,
telling stories about their single-guys summer time. It is fun, but at the time
I am getting more and more sick. I feel so bad that I actually order tea on a
hot summer night.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 107%;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1/7/2019<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Over the weekend
I was feeling completely crapy, apparently my pneumonia caught up with me. I
had a bit of fever but by Monday morning, that was mostly gone. Still I called
to work that I will be on sick leave today and went to the doctor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">At the doctor,
there was more blood-taking. The results were a lot worse than last week, so I
got antibiotics and went home to rest.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Rest didn’t last
long. I got a call from my doctor from last week. It was one of the most weird
and confusing calls I ever got, including awkward teenage-boyfriend calls. They
got back the results from the punction and the sample is suspicious for
Hodgking lymphoma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">It hit me and I
wasn’t prepared for that. At least to hear it over the phone. I might have a
cancer. Hm.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">As a Master of
Biotechnology, I of course clinged to the word “suspicious”. My more analytically
programmed mind didn’t accept the suspect to be the real thing. Anyone can be
wrong when they look under the microscope. And I was hoping that my poor sample
was treated by the most incompetent and foolish cytologist there is on the
planet, and that he or she made a terrible mistake. Can happen to everyone, and
I hope it happened to them with my sample.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />Ancipediahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11111717593325535258noreply@blogger.com0